Monday 7 April 2014

"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ Full Steam Ahead

I get an appointment letter in the mail, I can see it's from the hospital straight away. My first thought is my surgery date & I instantly get butterflies. I open the letter after about 20 mins of hesitation.
It reads Appointment for 14th April in the surgical clinic.
I don't think that means surgery but Im not completely sure so I get on the phone to confirm.
I end up finding out they didnt communicate that I didn't undergo my surgery on the 27th Feb and this was a follow up appointment. Im a bit annoyed, its like rubbing salt into my wounds.
I end up being put through to the bookings lady for my surgeon and ask if there has been a date made for me because the surgical clinic are wanting to make a follow up appointment for me. She tells me that Im booked in for the 10th April but am also on standby for the 17th March.
Wow that is really close! My head scrambles as I try to think if I am even able to make that date. She informs me that there will be a medical meeting to find out if there are any priority patients and if there is they will take the 17th. Im told to wait for a phone call in 5 days.

The call comes, The 17th is free for me but I turn it down. I feel selfish and stupid for complaining for the last 2 yrs about waiting so long and then i have to turn it down. My husband's work isnt ready, Im not completely ready or feeling organised so I stick with the 10th April. It seems like the perfect date as it is after Darrell & Bailey's birthday and then the day after is the start of the school holidays.
Im still very scared that my date will be canceled but I'm really hoping its not. Im ready for this and cannot wait.

The days are getting closer. Its only 15 days away. I have Bailey's birthday nearly all sorted and all my surgery stuff ready. Every now and then I get butterflies but it's not as much as I thought it would be. Im not sure how i feel but I know I will probably start to freak out a few days before or on the day. I think its just the unknown which is the scary part. Not knowing how Im going to feel after. Im trying to prepare myself to be in alot of pain and trying to prepare myself health wise as much as possible.

Bailey's party is all over, I was hoping for a nice relaxing day but it didnt go as plan. First we were locked out for half an hour and had to ring to have it opened. I had parents and Bailey's friends standing around and I felt stupid. Then we had a few tears from a few different kids and then to top it off the bouncy castle ran out of fuel 40 mins before the party was over. It was quite a stressful day but I had so much help from everyone which was a blessing.

The week of my surgery. Sunday night I was good, going through my bag and writing a list of what else to pack. Happy excited and ready. Then Monday hit, the day was fine but night time came and i lost it. I cried and cried. I have no idea why. I know im just over emotional and its very normal but i couldnt pin point a certain reason. It's very over whelming but I still have never second guessed my choice. The thing that upsets me the most is not being at home but Im trying to think about the positives of that. which are healing better in hospital, a little more peace and quiet, everything on hand if anything goes wrong and only for hopefully 2 weeks max.

Sunday 30 March 2014

"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ Public Awareness

Angelina Jolie has just revealed she has undergone a bilateral mastectomy to prevent breast cancer after discovering she was BRCA1. The actress, whose mother died of cancer at 56, said she had both breasts removed in a series of surgeries over three months and all complete on April 27^th 2013. Angelina has shared that she had an 87 per cent risk of breast cancer and a 50 per cent risk of ovarian cancer. Angelina wrote a letter to the new york times to raise awareness and explain her decision. This is her letter:

My Medical Choice

By ANGELINA JOLIE

MY MOTHER fought cancer for almost a decade and died at 56. She held out long enough to meet the first of her grandchildren and to hold them in her arms. But my other children will never have the chance to know her and experience how loving and gracious she was.

We often speak of “Mommy’s mommy,” and I find myself trying to explain the illness that took her away from us. They have asked if the same could happen to me. I have always told them not to worry, but the truth is I carry a “faulty” gene, BRCA1, which sharply increases my risk of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer.

My doctors estimated that I had an 87 percent risk of breast cancer and a 50 percent risk of ovarian cancer, although the risk is different in the case of each woman.

Only a fraction of breast cancers result from an inherited gene mutation. Those with a defect in BRCA1 have a 85 percent risk of getting it, on average.

Once I knew that this was my reality, I decided to be proactive and to minimize the risk as much I could. I made a decision to have a preventive double mastectomy. I started with the breasts, as my risk of breast cancer is higher than my risk of ovarian cancer, and the surgery is more complex.

On April 27, I finished the three months of medical procedures that the mastectomies involved. During that time I have been able to keep this private and to carry on with my work.

But I am writing about it now because I hope that other women can benefit from my experience. Cancer is still a word that strikes fear into people’s hearts, producing a deep sense of powerlessness. But today it is possible to find out through a blood test whether you are highly susceptible to breast and ovarian cancer, and then take action.

My own process began on Feb. 2 with a procedure known as a “nipple delay,” which rules out disease in the breast ducts behind the nipple and draws extra blood flow to the area. This causes some pain and a lot of bruising, but it increases the chance of saving the nipple.

Two weeks later I had the major surgery, where the breast tissue is removed and temporary fillers are put in place. The operation can take eight hours. You wake up with drain tubes and expanders in your breasts. It does feel like a scene out of a science-fiction film. But days after surgery you can be back to a normal life.

Nine weeks later, the final surgery is completed with the reconstruction of the breasts with an implant. There have been many advances in this procedure in the last few years, and the results can be beautiful.

I wanted to write this to tell other women that the decision to have a mastectomy was not easy. But it is one I am very happy that I made. My chances of developing breast cancer have dropped from 87 percent to under 5 percent. I can tell my children that they don’t need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer.

It is reassuring that they see nothing that makes them uncomfortable. They can see my small scars and that’s it. Everything else is just Mommy, the same as she always was. And they know that I love them and will do anything to be with them as long as I can. On a personal note, I do not feel any less of a woman. I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity.

I am fortunate to have a partner, Brad Pitt, who is so loving and supportive. So to anyone who has a wife or girlfriend going through this, know that you are a very important part of the transition. Brad was at the Pink Lotus Breast Center, where I was treated, for every minute of the surgeries. We managed to find moments to laugh together. We knew this was the right thing to do for our family and that it would bring us closer. And it has.

For any woman reading this, I hope it helps you to know you have options. I want to encourage every woman, especially if you have a family history of breast or ovarian cancer, to seek out the information and medical experts who can help you through this aspect of your life, and to make your own informed choices.

I acknowledge that there are many wonderful holistic doctors working on alternatives to surgery. My own regimen will be posted in due course on the Web site of the Pink Lotus Breast Center. I hope that this will be helpful to other women.

Breast cancer alone kills some 458,000 people each year, according to the World Health Organization, mainly in low- and middle-income countries. It has got to be a priority to ensure that more women can access gene testing and lifesaving preventive treatment, whatever their means and background, wherever they live. The cost of testing for BRCA1 and BRCA2, at more than $3,000 in the United States, remains an obstacle for many women.

I choose not to keep my story private because there are many women who do not know that they might be living under the shadow of cancer. It is my hope that they, too, will be able to get gene tested, and that if they have a high risk they, too, will know that they have strong options.

Life comes with many challenges. The ones that should not scare us are the ones we can take on and take control of.

Angelina Jolie.

Since Angelina made her decision public it has, as expected been all over the news, internet and newpapers. Pink Hope have had a 700% increase with women looking into preventive surgery and finding Pink Hope. There has been an overwhelming response from the public, both positive and negative. Some of the negative comments have really offended or upset some of the women in the Pink Hope community, they have been hurt by comments regarding mutilation and self harm. I blame ignorance and fear for most of the comments. When someone fears something or don’t know much about something they express that in ways they shouldn’t. Some people completely disagree with Angelina’s choice and that is their opinion and they are entitled to that but to attack women who have already made that same choice or are about to undergo that surgery is just unfair. People really need to learn to actually read the facts, the information and put them selves into the same situation. Im not saying by them doing that it would change their mind, but it may change the words they use when they express their opinion.

I receive a phone call, its Jo. Jo is WA coordinator for Pink Hope. She says that since Angelina came out her phone has been ringing non stop. The papers trying to get stories. They want to interview Jo as its been nearly a year since her preventive mastectomy and they also want to interview me as im in the process of organizing my surgery. Me? Little old me? I was excited to share my story but most importantly raise awareness for this and for Pink Hope. They wanted an interview that day so it was a phone call interview and then a photographer to come to my house and take some photos. I rushed around to get the house tidy and then my face and hair nice. I was very nervous and had no idea what to expect. The phone interview was quite easy. I also sent an email with some information and my thoughts and feelings along with my family history and reasons behind my decision. The photos were done pretty quickly. Jo, the photographer and me had a good time trying to get good photos.

That weekend Jo’s story was published in the West Australian.I was told my article would be the weekend after and that whole week went so slow. Finally it was Saturday and Hubby raced off to the shop to pick up the paper.
This is my article

Not far away in Perth’s southern suburbs, 24-year-old Emma Green reveals a similar family tale.

For as long as she can remember, Mrs Green has hated her breasts, seeing them as an enemy that could kill her.

She recalls her mother telling her, as a child, about her grandmother’s battle with breast cancer which she lost in 1977, aged 44.

When Mrs Green’s mother began gruelling chemotherapy and radiation treatment in 2010, the then 20-year-old started thinking about surgery to remove her breasts.

Like Hollywood star Angelina Jolie, who revealed this week she had the surgery to reduce her high breast cancer risk, both women will have preventive double mastectomies this year.

As a little girl, Mrs Green imagined what breast cancer looked like and who would be next in her family.

When she started developing her own breasts, she feared cancer was already in them.

At 24, and married with three children, Mrs Green said she was looking forward to losing her breasts as well as her fear of breast cancer.

“I just knew I had to do something,” she said. “I’m not scared about losing my breasts. I’ve hated them for as long as I can remember. I know they could betray me and turn on me. I don’t have the normal connection that women do with their breasts.”

After her mother’s diagnosis and an inconclusive genetic test, Mrs Green was referred to a high-risk breast clinic for close surveillance.

“I was my mum’s caregiver as she went through her journey and took her to her treatment,” she said.

“I couldn’t put my kids through that. It was so bad what she went through. I just felt helpless. There was nothing I could do for her.”

Mrs Green said her mother was declared cancer-free last month.

Having my article in the West Australian was great. Its not like me to be public and not shy about my personal life. I really just want to share my story to others in the same situation; I want to be inspiring to someone out there that needs to hear what i have to say. I look up to Jo Anderson, she is the WA head ambassador at Pink Hope. I hope to be as inspiring as she is one day.

I also had an article in the Australian Women’s Weekly magazine. I entered a competition through the website and wanted to make a difference to all the high risk women in Australia. I sent my high risk story in and explained how one day I would love to do something more for the high risk community. I wanted to be a support person, like a doula for a pregnant woman, I wanted to be support for high risk women. Bring recovery hampers into the hospital after their surgery, filled with goodies to help them feel more comfy. Be there to listen and support them. Im still not 100% sure of what I exactly want to do but that is a brief outline.

Although they printed the wrong information by stating that I carried the BRCA gene, the story and reasoning was still made public, along with more awareness for Pink Hope.

I also raised $3,000 on my own for Pink Hope for their annual Bright Pink Lipstick Day 2013

Monday 24 March 2014

"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ 2 Steps Back

2 steps back

5^th feb, the day after pre op around 10am I get a phone call, told my standby date the 27^th feb is no longer available and I will be waiting until april for my surgery now. Im feeling very angry and couldn’t speak. I didn’t mind having my date taken by priority patients as I would never take a date from someone with cancer but for the whole of March to be gone aswell, in less then 24hrs! I am more angry that I was told if my surgery was not on the 27^th because of a priority patient, that it would be within the following 2 weeks. (So in the first 2 weeks of March). Its been a long 2 year wait and now it feels as if ive taken steps backwards. I feel selfish for being angry because its priority that needs the dates but taking that out of the way im so frustrated. I really just want it over and done with. So I hang up the phone feeling really angry and disappointed and start to cry. Im not sure if im crying because im angry or crying because im so emotional at the moment or both but I feel like ive been kicked in the guts. I just want to scream. I think the bookings lady has something against me and that she is out to get me, then shake it off because that’s stupid to even think that.

I call the bookings lady back after about a 20 minute cool down

I want to go off at her but im nice. I ask if I have to still have my CT scan in 2 days even though you just cancelled my surgery date. I laugh in my head that even though I was trying so hard I still managed to blame her. She told me to still go ahead with it as I wouldn’t have to do it again and then im all set for whenever my surgery is going to be. Yeah in another year, I thought to myself. Then she kindly said that if there is a cancellation or a free date ill be put straight in because ive had both the pre op and ct scan and im all ready.

Finally some half decent good news, even though its highly doubtful that someone will cancel.

Im trying so hard to be positive over the next few days. Trying to look at what is good about my date being pushed. I can be more prepared and I can finish my blog and I can maybe host a bye bye boobies party. All these things that im trying to make sound exciting but just not feeling it. Everyone that I tell about my surgery being pushed is trying to do the same thing. They are all positive with their words and advice. Saying now I have heaps more time to prepare, more time to grieve the loss of my dad and the one that is always said “ It’s just not meant to happen just yet”. Everyone’s favourite saying! I know they are trying to help and be positive. Most don’t know what to say. Part of me really appreciates it, the other part wants them to be just as angry.
I try to look at things the same way. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes you never know the reason but it will all work out how its suppose to. I was hoping to go into surgery as this numb robot, with no emotion so then I might have worried less and just wouldn’t be bothered with emotion and feeling. I know that doesn’t sound right but it might of made it easier in some way. For some reason, grieving for my dad has turned me numb and I convinced myself the emotional part of surgery would have been easier if I was like this. So back to getting on with life, waiting and trying to be positive.

I lay down and he asks me to take my pants down a little. Straight away I want to crack the joke “What no dinner date first” but don’t and just giggle in my head. He then hands me a tiny little round sticker with a even smaller bit of metal on it and asks me to put it on my belly button, so I do. He then says are you ready? And walks out. Over the voice over I hear him say “the machine will tell you what to do so make sure you listen” and then it starts.

I hear it turn on and in the donut shape machine I see something spinning very fast. Then I hear breathe in and hold your breath, I start moving into the donut then as I stop it tells me to breathe. That happens a few more times and then they release the dye into my arm. I feel it go in, it’s a bit warm. I feel my face get hot like im just about to sweat and then there it is, the wet yourself feeling. YUK! I then taste the metal taste and start feeling sick. Its all over. It was very quick. The doctor comes in and asks how I am and lets me get up. Tells me to go back into the room with the chairs and beds and the nurse will take the intravenous out of my arm. I walk in and spot my nurse and sit back into my seat. He is trying to speak to an older man who either cant understand him or cant hear him. He comes to me and asks how it was, I say fine and glad its that quick. He takes the intravenous out of my arm and tells me to stay for about a minute then.That better be the first and last time I have to do that! I drive home feeling sick and tasting metal. Cant wait to get home and lay down.

"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ The Next Step

Next step
I received my pre operation/admission appointment letter in the mail. That make its more real. I was told the reason im having it so early is just incase I get a early date from cancellation or something. So im excited to find out more about the surgery, ask questions about what I should and shouldn’t do, eat, take or drink before surgery, find out what pain medicine im going to have and whatever else you find out at this appointment.

It’s the day of my Pre op appointment 4^th February. On the drive up there im not even excited, im not thinking about surgery but Im also not thinking about dad. I get to the hospital and realize my mind was blank the whole time up here when normally im a little nervous before any appointment. First I go the wrong way in the hospital which made me 5 mins late. I walk into the reception room and noone is at the desk so I stand there for what feels like 15 mins. Finally the receptionist comes to the desk, he is very bubbly, a bit older but seems very cheerful. He asks for my name and gives me a form to read and give to the anesthetist when I see them. I sit in the waiting room, with a few others. There is a big sign saying YOU MAY NOT BEEN SEEN IN ORDER OF ARRIVAL.

I thought to myself that’s just a nice way of saying your going to be waiting a long time. I over hear a women talking about how she has had a preventive surgery and is now getting ready for her exchange surgery from her expanders to implants. I wanted to say something and ask questions but I didn’t want to look like I was listening to her conversation. Finally my name was called, I needed to use the toilet but didn’t have time to go and I was worried if my bladder was full my weight would be more and I wanted to do whatever I could to make myself weigh less because over the past week ive been emotional eating and haven’t been to the gym so I am was worried about my weight. I stepped on the scales and surprisingly am down a kg since the last time I weighed myself and I was happy with that.

First I saw registered nurse, couldn’t find consent form, he was quite funny, asked me allergies, previous medical history, took pulse, measured for stockings, saw doctor, asked me why im doing this, a little about my family history, his phone rang twice, I didn’t mind but lost track, asked me about risks, mind went blank, its still blank and lost since dad, don’t have much emotion about surgery anymore. Hoping to get the excitement back. Seen anethitist told me about what to expect, complications, asked history of blood clots, medical problems, family medical problems then saw physio, said she would come see me, help with movement, keep an eye on me, there for me if I need anything. Aim to get back to pre op movement.

"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ Life Goes On

Life goes on

My son Bailey is about to start yr 2. I'm trying to be normal and move on. Trying to be excited but its so hard to have any emotion. He is so excited and it makes me so happy to see him excited for school. He loves school and I would like to keep it that way. I love back to school stuff. I enjoy labeling all the school items with Bailey. His face lights up putting all his things in his pencil case and getting his bag ready. I hope he doesn’t notice that im trying very hard to be excited, its sad that I have no emotion and cannot feel the way I should be feeling.

Today is Bailey’s first day, we got their a bit early to find the class and Bailey’s desk. On the walk to school I kept thinking to myself, I hope noone says anything about Dad. I hope people are too distracted to remember. We get to the class and Bailey is so excited, he has the same teacher from last year which made him very happy and he also has around 9 kids from his class last year in his class this year. We find his desk and start getting his things out. His friends come in and everyone is just bouncing with excitement. Im standing there watching Bailey full of joy and one of the mums come up to me and hug me, she says im so sorry about your Dad and then lets go. She says sorry that probably didn’t help. I said thank you and even though I didn’t want anyone to say anything I felt grateful. I did tear up a little bit but I was happy someone cares enough to give me a hug. Unfortunately its time to keep living, get back into routine at home and grieve on the inside. Some times I wish you could just stop time, lay in bed and cry your eyes out and then when your ready start time and keep living.

All through all of this I haven’t thought much about my surgery and when I have I feel like I just cant be bothered with it at the moment. I not only have no emotion, I have no energy. Even though in the past week ive done near nothing I feel like ive ran marathons. Its strange that it takes so much energy to be sad and even more energy to stop your self from crying. Im buggered and just cant be bothered. I trying so hard to hide my emotions from my family. I don’t like making my husband feel like he cant make me feel happy and I don’t like my kids worrying that im crying so I just stop myself from crying to save them. At night its harder to hold in my tears so I sob quietly when I know my husband is asleep. Ive tried to get excited about surgery again or even interested. Ive started writing a list of what I need to take to hospital and what else I need to buy. Im trying to get back into it and get rid of this “cant be bothered” feeling. If my surgery turns out to be the 27^th feb I want to have everything ready. I don’t want the date to come and because my mind has been all over the place, im forgetting things or not prepared so im really trying to get back into it.

"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ Heartbroken Struggle

Heartbroken Struggle

Things have been very hard for me at the moment. My dad was rushed to hospital on the 17th of December and when I went to see him, my heart broke as he looked horrible. Even though we have been expecting his death for such a long time now, to see him dying breaks my heart!

I drove all the way to the hospital everyday, twice a day to keep him company and to make sure he knows im here for him. He was then discharged on the 21st Dec, the hospital said there was nothing more they can do for him as he has stage 4 liver cancer & cirrhosis of the liver. They have sent him home to die. My Mum was beautiful enough to take him back to her place. I was very happy when she said she would. I think it would make him happy, to die in the place he was most happiest in his life. When she spoke to him about it in the hospital he was so grateful. Before he left Mum spoke to him about his wishes for his funeral, what he wanted, what he wanted us to have etc and it broke my heart to hear him cry, hear him say sorry to mum, tell her he loves her and wishes they were still together and worse of all, cry for his own mum.

His mum passed away the 22^nd Jan 2011 from cancer and 5 months later we also lost my mum's dad to cancer jun 2011.

I have been very emotional for the past 2 weeks, with everything that is going on. Christmas was bitter sweet for us all. I now have to keep my head up, cherish every moment with Dad and prepare for surgery. It should be in the next 2-3 months. I have began research again but I really think my 2 yrs of research covered most of what I need to know. Im as ready as I can be and really just cannot wait to have this cancer fear behind me. Im hoping I have enough time to host a Bye Bye Boobies party before my surgery. I would love to just let my hair down and feel the support and love from everyone before I apply my war paint (lipstick) and save my life.

4 weeks from his discharge date, Dad passed away.

Tues 21^st dec was the last time I spoke to him, at first he didn’t know who I was, which broke my heart. Then mum said its Emma and he looked at me. He said “Yeah I know who it is” and kept repeating himself. It was like he was a robot that was almost broken. He kept repeating over and over, Yeah I know who it is and then he would giggle. I just keep saying yeah Dad its me, its Emma. It started to scare me so I said that I was going to get a drink and asked him if he wanted anything, he again repeated yeah I know who it is and then I said I love you Dad and he looked at me, you could see him struggling but he finally said I love you too. It was magic and so bittersweet. I walked out into the kitchen where mum was and broken down. After a few hours he hadn’t changed and was still staring into space and hadn’t moved. Mum told my sister and I to go home, it was late and nothing had changed. Mum said she would call us as soon as anything changed. I left knowing that he knew it was his time to go, I knew it was his time to go and now it was a waiting game. The next day Mum called, it was 7am and straight away I thought he would already be gone but mum said he was worse, he couldn’t talk at all anymore and his doctor had just came and said he only had a few hours. I got dressed and drove over. Everyone was there, my sister, dad’s brothers, sister, friends all saying goodbye. I went into his room and sat on the bed beside him. I was scared but I held his hand and just looked at him and cried. I said to him that I forgive him for all the bad choices he made and that I loved him. I said its ok to let go and if nanna was waiting for him to go with her. Im not sure if he could hear me but I believe he could. A few hours later he passed away, it was 1030am. I was out the back but my sister & aunt were with him when he took his last breath. It is the same day as Nanna, (Dad’s mum) passed away in 2011. We all knew today would be the day, she would come and take him to heaven. It was bittersweet. I was glad he was gone because he no longer had pain and was with his mum. Dad was only 53. I sat in my mums room for about an hr crying while my dad lay dead in the room next to me, which was my room since 1993 until I moved out in 2011. I just sat there and felt awful, I couldn’t understand why I felt so empty. I had this constant pulling feeling to go in and see him but I was too scared. I remember seeing my cousin in her coffin at her viewing in 2005, she died 3 weeks after her 20^th bday from unknown causes. When I saw her laying there, it shocked me. She didn’t look like her and it really freaked me out, so when nanna died I didn’t want to see her. But I had this feeling that I needed to see him and it was very scary. My uncle came into my mums room where I sat and sobbed. He asked what I was doing even though it was obvious. He told me I shouldn’t be alone and to come with him. I was scared to walk past my room and didn’t want to leave mums room. He took me by the hand and said cmon come be with the family. Part of me wanting to be with the family and support my mum and everyone else but the other part of me just wanted to be alone. I think the family thought I might go crazy or something. As I walked out of my mums room and took a few steps I was nearly at the door to my room, the room where my dad lay dead. I was so scared to look but I froze right infront of the door and just stared at him. Mum had already been in to close his eyes, his mouth and put his hands on his chest. She had tucked him in and he really did just look so peaceful and sleeping. I took a few steps toward the bed and by the 4^th step I felt this amazingly warm feeling, like a hug. It was a beautiful feeling but it scared me. I don’t believe in all that stuff, I think its because im scared and I think if I don’t believe then I have nothing to worry about. I stood there warm and like I was being hugged, my dad lay peacefully. He looked happy and I got the sense that he was so happy now. I am so glad that I went into the room, I think that was him reassuring me that he is ok and that it is ok to see him. It gave me closure and I thank him for it.

The funeral home people came to take him away. We all gathered out side to send him off. As they came out I realized he was all covered up. For some stupid reason I thought that he would come out on a hospital bed just as he is on the bed and we would be able to see him. I knew he didn’t need to go to the mortuary so I knew he wouldn’t be in a black zip bag but I didn’t even think of anything else like a blanket would be covering him. As he was wheeled out, I felt my stomach drop, it was unexpected and I was in shock. Mum called me over and my sister, my mum and I walked behind him out to the car. They lift the legs of the trolley bed and put him in the car. The funeral person was so respectful to him and even gave him a pat on the side of the bed trolley as he finished putting him in. We all said our goodbyes and they closed the door. It was the worst thing to see, your dad’s body being put in a car and the doors closing and knowing that was it. He is gone. I walked back inside, went to head for mums room for comfort and froze and dropped right at my bedroom door and cried. I felt paralysed and couldn’t move. I took one more look at the empty bed where my dad died and was then picked up by mum and my uncle and taken into my mums room to calm down.

The funeral is just over a week away on 31^st dec. I want to say something at the service. I would like to write something small but meaningful. I think I may regret it if I don’t say anything. I am so heartbroken and feel lost & empty. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t feel this bad as my dad wasn’t in my life everyday. We saw him on special occasions, I visited him a few times at his flat and he came to my house about 5 or 6 times over the last 2 years but I feel like he has been in my life everyday and that Ive lost a huge part of me. I have so many thoughts of regret. I wish I saw him more, I wish he made more of a effort to see us. I wish he understood my life better and that we could have normal conversations. There is so much I regret but the past 4 weeks are the days ill never forget. I would go to the gym and then go visit him, everyday except Wednesday and the weekends except 2 weekends when I went over. I bought him a tv for his room so he could watch if he wasn’t up to getting out of bed but it all doesn’t feel enough. The service was beautiful, sad but full of memories. I contained myself quite well. I think I may have cried all of my tears over the past week and didn’t cry that much as the service. I kind of felt like people would think why is emma so upset when her dad wasn’t in her life as much as a normal dad? So I didn’t want to lose it. I also didn’t want to cry to much infront of Bailey. I didn’t want him to be too upset just because I was, so the night before I cried hard and then told myself not to cry on the day. The viewing was hard, he didn’t look as peaceful and like himself as much as he did the day he died. I should of expected that but I was hoping he still looked like he did the day he died.

Now after the funeral I’m fighting with my sister about ashes, feeling left out with what is going on and decisions being made, feeling disconnected from my sister when I thought at a time like this it would bring us together. We don’t talk much because she seems to always do things to hurt my feelings and doesn’t see the wrong in it, so after I had enough I put distance between us. It was hard but I needed to get the negative out of my life. I really feel for mum and thankful for what she has done for dad. I think she has done so much for him. The past 4 weeks she has been amazing. She took him back to her home, the home we were a family in and where he was happiest in his life. He was so happy to be back there and was so grateful. Mum will never understand how thankful I am for what she has done. Yes she hasn’t been in his life for the past 16 yrs since their divorce but the past 4 weeks is bigger and better then anything anyone could have done in the past 16 yrs. Mum chose to love dad and marry dad and its such a different love from loving someone because they are family. They have always loved each other even though they weren’t together and they shared so many special things. Right now I feel kind of robotic, not much emotion, trying to get on with life. I feel bad and guilty because life goes on and there isn’t a moment that stops for you to grieve. You just have to keep going on with life even though you are heartbroken. It’s a strange feeling and a sad one. I feel bad when a few hours go by and I haven’t thought about him. I hope he knows I still love him and im thinking of him even if I forget for a few hours. He will always be in my heart and even though I have so many regrets I hope he is at peace and knows im sorry and I love him.

Life goes on

Bailey is about to start yr 2. Im trying to be normal and move on. Trying to be excited but its so hard to have any emotion. He is so excited and it makes me so happy to see him excited for school. He loves school and I would like to keep it that way. I love back to school stuff. I enjoy labeling all the school items with Bailey. His face lights up putting all his things in his pencil case and getting his bag ready. I hope he doesn’t notice that im trying very hard to be excited, its sad that I have no emotion and cannot feel the way I should be feeling.

It’s the day of my Pre op appointment 4^th February. On the drive up there im not even excited, im not thinking about surgery but Im also not thinking about dad. I get to the hospital and realize my mind was blank the whole time up here when normally im a little nervous before any appointment. First I go the wrong way in the hospital which made me 5 mins late. I walk into the reception room and noone is at the desk so I stand there for what feels like 15 mins. Finally the receptionist comes to the desk, he is very bubbly, a bit older but seems very cheerful. He asks for my name and gives me a form to read and give to the anesthetist when I see them. I sit in the waiting room, with a few others. There is a big sign saying YOU MAY NOT BEEN SEEN IN ORDER OF ARRIVAL. I thought to myself that’s just a nice way of saying your going to be waiting a long time. I over hear a women talking about how she has had a preventive surgery and is now getting ready for her exchange surgery from her expanders to implants. I wanted to say something and ask questions but I didn’t want to look like I was listening to her conversation. Finally my name was called, I needed to use the toilet but didn’t have time to go and I was worried if my bladder was full my weight would be more and I wanted to do whatever I could to make myself weigh less because over the past week ive been emotional eating and haven’t been to the gym so I am was worried about my weight. I stepped on the scales and surprisingly am down a kg since the last time I weighed myself and I was happy with that.

2 steps back

5^th feb, the next day after pre op around 10am I get a phone call, told my standby date the 27^th feb is no longer available and I will be waiting until april for my surgery now. Im feeling very angry and couldn’t speak. I didn’t mind having my date taken by priority patients as I would never take a date from someone with cancer but for the whole of March to be gone aswell, in less then 24hrs! I am more angry that I was told if my surgery was not on the 27^th because of a priority patient, that it would be within the following 2 weeks. (So in the first 2 weeks of March). Its been a long 2 year wait and now it feels as if ive taken steps backwards. I feel selfish for being angry because its priority that needs the dates but taking that out of the way im so frustrated. I really just want it over and done with. So I hang up the phone feeling really angry and disappointed and start to cry. Im not sure if im crying because im angry or crying because im so emotional at the moment or both but I feel like ive been kicked in the guts. I just want to scream. I think the bookings lady has something against me and that she is out to get me, then shake it off because that’s stupid to even think that.

I call the bookings lady back after about a 20 minute cool down

Finally some half decent good news, even though its highly doubtful that someone will cancel.

So im on my way to my Ct scan was (7^th Feb). I get there just on time and I know exactly where to go so it doesn’t take me long to get there. I check in and then im sent up stairs. I get there and sit down, it’s a very firmlar place but looks a little different. Then I realize this is where I sat and waited to see Stephanie the psych. A few things have changed and now there is a place for ct scans and some interventional something. I sit and wait, get my phone out and then im called in. The nurse is a male, he has a scotish accent and is quite funny from the start. He takes me into a room with beds on one side and chairs on the other, those big cushion chairs. He asks a few random questions about medical problems and a few things I don’t understand behind his accent. He asks me if im wearing a bra and I give him this horrible, are you stupid look and quickly realize and stop. I say yes im wearing a bra and he says I can either take it off right here or go into the change room. I thought for a second and said Im having my stomach scanned not my breasts and he quickly lets me know that the metal in my bra can affect the scan so I just skillfully take it off right there under my clothes and stuff it in my bag. He then sits me down and tells me to hang my arms down to let the blood rush. As im sitting there he is joking around with the other nurse who is attending to another patient next to me. I laugh along and am feeling quite relaxed. I ask the nurse if a Ct scan is similar to a MRI and a few questions about it. He tells me I have to have a intravenous injection of iodine, which is the dye they put through you so they can see better imaging. I have it with my annual MRI so I know exactly what it is and hate the way it makes you feel like you have wet yourself! I roll my eyes and say great! He picks up on the sarcasim and I explain I have it each time I have a MRI, he then says it’s a bit different and shouldn’t be as bad, plus the CT only lasts a few minutes. He puts the needle into my arm and attaches the intravenous right above the bruise from the blood test at my pre op so it hurts just a little. He starts taking about jewellery and I explain that I took it all off before I got there, except I have 2 I cant take out. I then ask exactly where ill be scanned so I know if I have to tell him about my piercings. He uses his hands to show me under his chest to about his knees. I blurt out, I have a piercing I cant take out, he asks “your belly button”? I say no, lower. He looks at me with this joyful shock and then takes me into the room. He then asks the doctor who performs the scan if piercings are a problem and the doctor also asks “belly button”? he blurts like a school boy “lower”! and kinda walks out awkwardly. I turn to the doctor and he says nope that should be fine.

I lay down and he asks me to take my pants down a little. Straight away I want to crack the joke “What no dinner date first” but don’t and just giggle in my head. He then hands me a tiny little round sticker with a even smaller bit of metal on it and asks me to put it on my belly button, so I do. He then says are you ready? And walks out. Over the voice over I hear him say “the machine will tell you what to do so make sure you listen” and then it starts. I hear it turn on and in the donut shape machine I see something spinning very fast. Then I hear breathe in and hold your breath, I start moving into the donut then as I stop it tells me to breathe. That happens a few more times and then they release the dye into my arm. I feel it go in, it’s a bit warm. I feel my face get hot like im just about to sweat and then there it is, the wet yourself feeling. YUK! I then taste the metal taste and start feeling sick. Its all over. It was very quick. The doctor comes in and asks how I am and lets me get up. Tells me to go back into the room with the chairs and beds and the nurse will take the intravenous out of my arm. I walk in and spot my nurse and sit back into my seat. He is trying to speak to an older man who either cant understand him or cant hear him. He comes to me and asks how it was, I say fine and glad its that quick. He takes the intravenous out of my arm and tells me to stay for about a minute then I can go into the change room to put my bra back on. He has this shy giddish tone now and I feel a bit uncomfortable that he feels weird about knowing about my piercing. I walk out of the change room and say bye to him, he says enjoy and I leave. That better be the first and last time I have to do that! I drive home feeling sick and tasting metal. Cant wait to get home and lay down.

Continuing the wait
Well now its just a waiting game, I am slowly getting things together to prepare for surgery.

"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ Indecisiveness

I have been doing my best to decide on my reconstruction throughout the last month. My emotions are all over the place, I become so frustrated with my indecisiveness and then I get so frustrated I cry. I wish the choice was easier or someone would tell me which one to do. Seeing Jo helped a lot as she had the Lat dorsi reconstruction and looks great. She even let me look at them and feel them. The scars on her back have faded and are hardly noticeable and with that in mind I think ive decided. If I was able to have implants with the DIEP I would have gone with that but I think lat dorsi is good for me. I have 84 days until my holiday, so 85 days to bust my ass working out and losing as much weight as I can. When I get back from my holiday ill be calling my plastic surgeon to try and book a earlier appointment and at that appointment Im going to tell him I would like a lat dorsi reconstruction with implants and i want a date to be made, fingers crossed it all plays out that way and I don’t shy away and say nothing. When I speak to my surgeon I seem to become shy and for some reason I can’t be upfront and out spoken. I seem to just nod and say yes and I know that it makes me look insecure and unsure but that’s not how I feel at all. Im not sure why it happens and why I come across that way. I wish I could just be more confident so im not taken as insecure or unsure.

So my next appointment to see the plastic surgeon again has been made! I called the plastic centre and tried to book an earlier appointment and found out that my appointment has already been made for the 5th November. It seems like such a long time from now, Im a little bit annoyed that its so far away, i know it will fly by but November seems forever. away At least if I could have made it for when i wanted to in September it would feel closer and my holiday before in August would keep my mind occupied. Waiting has been inevitable in this whole journey, even though it frustrates me every single time im told I have to wait, im starting to get used to it.

In Need of a quick break

Off to the airport we go. Mum and I are so excited for our holiday. A few months ago I won a holiday to Phuket on the radio. I wanted to win it for Mum because she was told that she is now in remission plus she tries to go on holiday to Phuket every year but this year she was unable to. The morning I won the holiday, I called her and woke her up. She couldn’t believe what I was saying, 5 nights in Phuket for free. Your cancer free present I said, she can hardly speak and she is crying. She deserves it. Our flight was very early in the morning 1am, so we had to be up at the airport at around 10pm. Mum came and picked me up and took me to her place. Her neighbour across the road is a taxi driver and has said he would take us to the airport. We get to the airport and it just doesn’t seem real yet, but we are tired so we don’t have much thought about anything. I was just looking forward to getting on the plane and having a sleep. Our plane boards and we are ready. It starts to get exciting even though we are tired. The plane takes off…..here we come Phuket!

So the whole flight was so uncomfortable. I had a man sitting next to me snoring really loud, plus I couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep. Every time I would doze off even a little bit I would wake up and right now im missing my bed, my hubby and my kids. We get to

Singapore

at 7am, we are like zombies walking through the airport. We sit and wait for our next plane to Phuket. I jump onto the computer to skype Darrell & the kids. They are all up and excited to see me and Nanna on the screen. Bailey is getting ready for school and the twins are playing. Darrell reassures me everyone is good and they all say love you and bye. Mum and I board the next plane. It’s a tiny plane and even more uncomfortable. Its only a 40 min flight and very bright so there goes my chance of sleeping. We land in Phuket, its 9am. We find our taxi driver and drive the 30+ mins to the hotel. Mum and I agree that as soon as we get into the hotel we will have a nap, try sleep through the morning, wake up just after lunch and we will feel heaps better. Its so hot, around 34c. Back at home its August so its cold and raining, so it’s a big change. We finally get to the hotel. They all recongnise mum, say how they thought she wasn’t coming this year because she comes June/July. Its cute how they all remember her. They all seem so happy to see her. We check in at the front desk, ready to just get to bed. Then we are told our room isn’t ready yet and wont be until 1pm. I scream in my head, my body is ready to collapse and the news just punched me in the face. What can we do for 3 hours! All we want and need is sleep. We have been awake for more the 24hrs now and just want to pack it in. We decide to get something to eat and drink and then lay by the pool and just wait. Its too hot to go walking or do anything else, plus I don’t think my body will move that far. The first 2 days were horrible, we were still semi zombies, couldn’t really eat and couldn’t really be bothered. We went and saw the fights and went to the zoo, went to tiger kingdom and did some shopping. At night we would walk down the main street and watch the night life then go back to the hotel and talk & drink on the balcony. We didn’t do too much but it was so great to just be there with mum. A few times I thought to myself, if she didn’t go for her mammogram the few months early when she had a feeling she should then she may not be sitting here with me right now in Phuket. We spoke about my high risk and the surgery. Mum has always been on board but always makes sure its something I really want to do, typical mum trying to be protective. I think when I explain it all to her in my way and words she understands a lot better. She keeps forgetting that I have more risk then she did but when she remembers its as natural to her as it is to me to do what im doing.

5 days went quite fast and we were home safe. I was excited to see Hubby and the kids and couldn’t wait to get back to normal life after such a great relaxing holiday.

My mind keeps going back and fourth with which reconstruction I want. Im driving myself and everyone else I speak to about it, crazy! Sometimes I feel like im being annoying and people are getting sick of my speaking about my whole journey. I don’t like feeling like a burden on anyone but I like hearing what other people think and what they would do. Most of the time the conversation is me speaking and the other person nodding and agreeing and then when I say what would you do they have no idea anyway. I hope im not being annoying, I would really hate to think that people are getting sick of me. Even online with the groups that have women in the same situation or similar situations seem to be getting sick of me or not interested anymore. I either get no answers on my questions or they are short with answers. I just want someone to tell me what reconstruction to get! Every time I look at my post baby belly flab i want the DIEP but also wanting the Lat Dorsi combine with implants so I can be the size that I want. I suppose having until November to do more research (which might not be possible after the amount research ive done already) is a good thing but I wish it was sooner. At least have that much time to keep losing weight and to keep deciding. At my next appointment Im going to ask for a surgery date and hope I get one.

I got to see my plastic surgeon on the 5th Nov. It was a long wait to see him which was annoying as always. We sat for about 2 hours to see him. When we got in he was trying to go over everything, kind of to try to remember my case, obviously because he was flat out. I told him I think Lat dorsi with implants was the best option for me but he still went over all of my choices. He explained all of my options again. He said implants only would be fine because there is something they can use to make the coverage fuller and it also protects the implants, He said if I went DIEP it would be possible to add implants to get my desired size, but in May he told me implants only would maybe look out of proportion on my body shape, they wouldn’t be as protected as tissue recon and they may look a lot more fake. In May I asked if implants could be combined with diep to get my desired size and he said no it wasn’t something that they do very often if at all.

He kept saying he didnt want to push me to decide a certain type but he just kind of made me more undecided and confused by telling me things differently to the way he told me in May. In a way I wish I recorded our conversation to show him why I seemed so confused this time around. Diep was my original choice, I wanted to get rid of my baby belly from the twins that I would never be able to budge and also have implants to make myself the size I would like but after he told me that implants couldn’t happen and I would only be a very small C cup with diep I changed my mind and stuck to LD with implants.

The reason I wouldn’t go Implants only, is because I want to still look natural so the flap in diep or LD would give me that and the implants combine would give me my size. Implants also do not grow with your body, so if you gain or lose weight they wont change and sometimes they can move up too high or down too low and need to be changed. So I stood my ground and told him I wanted Lat dorsi with implants and we signed the surgery consent form, after a few times he said he didn’t want to sign me because I seemed unsure again. I thought to myself, well duh you have confused me all over again and told me completely different things to what you told me in May! Of course im confused. But I needed to take the next step and told him I needed to sign it, ive been waiting too long already. So I left the appointment happy that I was a step forward but annoyed that deep down I was confused again and he knew it. He did say if I change my mind I can call him.

I had a dream the other night I had my surgery but i had diep with implants and my mum was freaking out telling me he did the wrong one. he didnt do the back one he did the tummy one. So Im confused again. Im weird with those sorts of things. I think there is a sign behind that dream and now I think maybe I should go for the one i originally wanted and make sure 100% implants will be combined to make my ideal size.

Its certainly Driving me nuts!!!

Ok so I changed my mind, WHAT A SURPRISE! Had an appointment to see my plastic surgeon on the 20th Dec. We changed my surgery recon to DIEP. I was telling him how worried I am about not looking proportioned and not being the size I want to be. He explained that he will do the diep reconstruction and let me heal for a few weeks and then if im not happy with my size he can use fat injections (lipo) from my thighs unless I want to go alot bigger then implants will be combined. I would just prefer to have implants put in at the same time because I know in my gut that my diep wont give me my desired size and having to have more things done just puts more recovery time ontop. But he seems to think I will be happy with my size so we will see.

The surgery consent form was signed, my ct scan being booked and the date booking lady even came in and spoke to my surgeon about dates this time so i was very happy and it certainly feels like things are starting to happen. They said March surgery date and I will be put on standby for any earlier appointments if there are no priority patients.

Im very happy with my choice of DIEP and am a little excited to get rid of my baby flap.