"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ 2 Steps Back

2 steps back

5^th feb, the day after pre op around 10am I get a phone call, told my standby date the 27^th feb is no longer available and I will be waiting until april for my surgery now. Im feeling very angry and couldn’t speak. I didn’t mind having my date taken by priority patients as I would never take a date from someone with cancer but for the whole of March to be gone aswell, in less then 24hrs! I am more angry that I was told if my surgery was not on the 27^th because of a priority patient, that it would be within the following 2 weeks. (So in the first 2 weeks of March). Its been a long 2 year wait and now it feels as if ive taken steps backwards. I feel selfish for being angry because its priority that needs the dates but taking that out of the way im so frustrated. I really just want it over and done with. So I hang up the phone feeling really angry and disappointed and start to cry. Im not sure if im crying because im angry or crying because im so emotional at the moment or both but I feel like ive been kicked in the guts. I just want to scream. I think the bookings lady has something against me and that she is out to get me, then shake it off because that’s stupid to even think that.

I call the bookings lady back after about a 20 minute cool down

I want to go off at her but im nice. I ask if I have to still have my CT scan in 2 days even though you just cancelled my surgery date. I laugh in my head that even though I was trying so hard I still managed to blame her. She told me to still go ahead with it as I wouldn’t have to do it again and then im all set for whenever my surgery is going to be. Yeah in another year, I thought to myself. Then she kindly said that if there is a cancellation or a free date ill be put straight in because ive had both the pre op and ct scan and im all ready.

Finally some half decent good news, even though its highly doubtful that someone will cancel.

Im trying so hard to be positive over the next few days. Trying to look at what is good about my date being pushed. I can be more prepared and I can finish my blog and I can maybe host a bye bye boobies party. All these things that im trying to make sound exciting but just not feeling it. Everyone that I tell about my surgery being pushed is trying to do the same thing. They are all positive with their words and advice. Saying now I have heaps more time to prepare, more time to grieve the loss of my dad and the one that is always said “ It’s just not meant to happen just yet”. Everyone’s favourite saying! I know they are trying to help and be positive. Most don’t know what to say. Part of me really appreciates it, the other part wants them to be just as angry.
I try to look at things the same way. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes you never know the reason but it will all work out how its suppose to. I was hoping to go into surgery as this numb robot, with no emotion so then I might have worried less and just wouldn’t be bothered with emotion and feeling. I know that doesn’t sound right but it might of made it easier in some way. For some reason, grieving for my dad has turned me numb and I convinced myself the emotional part of surgery would have been easier if I was like this. So back to getting on with life, waiting and trying to be positive.

So im on my way to my Ct scan was (7^th Feb). I get there just on time and I know exactly where to go so it doesn’t take me long to get there. I check in and then im sent up stairs. I get there and sit down, it’s a very firmlar place but looks a little different. Then I realize this is where I sat and waited to see Stephanie the psych. A few things have changed and now there is a place for ct scans and some interventional something. I sit and wait, get my phone out and then im called in. The nurse is a male, he has a scotish accent and is quite funny from the start. He takes me into a room with beds on one side and chairs on the other, those big cushion chairs. He asks a few random questions about medical problems and a few things I don’t understand behind his accent. He then sits me down and tells me to hang my arms down to let the blood rush. As im sitting there he is joking around with the other nurse who is attending to another patient next to me. I laugh along and am feeling quite relaxed. I ask the nurse if a Ct scan is similar to a MRI and a few questions about it. He tells me I have to have a intravenous injection of iodine, which is the dye they put through you so they can see better imaging. I have it with my annual MRI so I know exactly what it is and hate the way it makes you feel like you have wet yourself! I roll my eyes and say great! He picks up on the sarcasim and I explain I have it each time I have a MRI, he then says it’s a bit different and shouldn’t be as bad, plus the CT only lasts a few minutes. He puts the needle into my arm and attaches the intravenous right above the bruise from the blood test at my pre op so it hurts just a little.

I lay down and he asks me to take my pants down a little. Straight away I want to crack the joke “What no dinner date first” but don’t and just giggle in my head. He then hands me a tiny little round sticker with a even smaller bit of metal on it and asks me to put it on my belly button, so I do. He then says are you ready? And walks out. Over the voice over I hear him say “the machine will tell you what to do so make sure you listen” and then it starts.

 I hear it turn on and in the donut shape machine I see something spinning very fast. Then I hear breathe in and hold your breath, I start moving into the donut then as I stop it tells me to breathe. That happens a few more times and then they release the dye into my arm. I feel it go in, it’s a bit warm. I feel my face get hot like im just about to sweat and then there it is, the wet yourself feeling. YUK! I then taste the metal taste and start feeling sick. Its all over. It was very quick. The doctor comes in and asks how I am and lets me get up. Tells me to go back into the room with the chairs and beds and the nurse will take the intravenous out of my arm. I walk in and spot my nurse and sit back into my seat. He is trying to speak to an older man who either cant understand him or cant hear him. He comes to me and asks how it was, I say fine and glad its that quick. He takes the intravenous out of my arm and tells me to stay for about a minute then.That better be the first and last time I have to do that! I drive home feeling sick and tasting metal. Cant wait to get home and lay down.