"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ My Journey starts

My Journey started

My first appointment at the high risk breast clinic was one I will never forget. I was quite nervous and really didn’t know what this all meant. I knew that they had to check me since mum was recently diagnosed but at this stage I hadn’t thought about any of this. I sat in the waiting room just wanting to get it over and done with. I just wanted to go home. Mum came with me, as she does because she is a great support and also had just been through it all and knows what the process is like. I knew I was coming to speak to the doctor but I had no idea what would be said or what would be the next step. The wait was 2 hours but felt like 5. I was eager to just get in and get out. Mum was so relaxed and talking to strangers as she does. I was trying to read a magazine but couldn’t concentrate enough to read. I thought what if she tells me the small lumps in my breasts are cancer, how am I going to react. I was worried I wouldn’t be shocked enough for the doctor because I already expect it. I was worried they would keep me here longer if I mentioned the lumps. In my mind the lumps were blocked milk ducts as I had just had my twins 8 months earlier and I would explain to the doctor that’s all they are.

My name was called, Mum and I stood up and followed the doctor into the room. My memory is quite vague, but I do remember her making me a file and high risk been written in it. I saw mum’s family history list of cancer and was shocked that there were so many people, most I didn’t even know of and that is because Mum was born in Ireland and we no longer have contact with the family. Also I had to add my Nanna (Dad’s mum) to the list as she passed away 2011 and my pop (Mums Dad) who also passed in 2011. Then I was asked about my dad’s side of the family and breast cancer. We aren’t too sure of that side, although we are sure there are 2 women that have had breast cancer, either my dad’s aunts or second cousin. The doctor then asked me to take my top off and lay on the bed and she started to do a breast check. As she ran her fingers over, I mentioned the lumps just as she touched them. I blurted out straight away that they were only milk ducts from breast feeding. She looked at me in a strange way, then asked when I last breast fed. She picked up a marker and circled the lumps, two on my right breast and one on my left. I was then told that I should stay in my gown and they will do an ultrasound. 

So I sat in another small waiting room thinking the worst straight away. I didn’t even react at all, I was kind of robot like and just sat there. I was called into the room and laid down on the bed. The lady greeted me and then informed me that we have to wait for the expert sonographer. I was thinking, why cant you just do it, its milk ducts. I just wanted to go home. I was frustrated but deep down I was scared. I thought this is it. This is when I get diagnosed with cancer. 22, a few weeks until I get married and I will have to cancel because I have cancer. My fiancé will probably not even want to get married now and may even want to end our relationship.
Next thing this young male walked in and greeted me. I could see he was trying to be cheerful but he looked scared or nervous. He got on with my ultrasound and asked me about the lumps. I insisted it was milk ducts and I had only noticed them since my twins were born so that had to be it. He kept going and taking still shoots of the ultrasound then suddenly got up and walked out. When he came back in, he informed me that the doctor cannot really see anything due to how dense my breasts were and they will be booking me in for a MRI. As soon as I heard that I panicked, I have no idea exactly what an MRI is but it sounded scary and serious. I went home feeling a bit lost, not sure what was going on but I tried to keep calm. As mum always says, don’t worry about it until it happens.

I got home and tried to explain it to Darrell, he didn’t understand what it was all about either and said if they were concerned something would have been done then and there.

The letter finally came in the mail the appointment was made.  13^th Feb 2012. Now to wait until my MRI. he whole time, I just continued to convince myself that if it was serious I would not have gone home that day or something would have been said to inform me about their thoughts or recommendations.

13^th Feb 2012 the day of my MRI. It was strange that it was so late in the evening but I thought at least parking would be easy. Mum came with me again, while Darrell had the kids. She is always so positive and great company, plus she has been through most of this so its good to have her by my side. We got to the hospital, and yes parking was easy and I laughed to myself. Into the building, up the lift and then the butterflies started. I had no idea what to expect or what was going to happen and honestly I was scared. We sat down and I filled out a form, just the usual questions they ask. Then they asked me to take off my jewellery. I took it all off then told them that the one in my tragus doesn’t come out and neither does the one in my privates. I looked up & I got the look I expected! It was an awkward silence and then i was told if i feel it getting hot let them know.

They then called me through and thought this is it, you have cancer is what ill be hearing after this. I sat down & then I had a needle put in for the dye that they have to put through your body while having the MRI to get better images. I thought that would look cool seeing dye through my body, i wonder if ill see it. So I sat there and waited by myself. The rest of the appointment is kind of a blur. I went into the room, put on headphones and then laid on my stomach with my breasts hanging down inside a box. It was pretty uncomfortable in the sense that it just felt wrong to have them hanging there. The lady then said I have to try lay still and they would put some music on through the headphones but it would still be quite loud. She then said if there is a problem just say stop. I laid there pretty relaxed and the MRI started, the music was pretty good too. I close my eyes and start to zone out, then through my headphones im startled by someone saying that the dye is going to be released into my body, it may feel hot and if I had any problems to say stop. As it went through my arm it did feel warm and a little bit weird and I then had a metallic taste in my mouth. I thought that’s not that bad, and then a warmer feeling came over my body and down bellow. I was in shock, I thought to myself oh no ive just wee’d myself! I was so embarrassed and thinking what do I do. I just laid there using my pelvic muscles to hold myself just incase it happened again. I couldn’t relax after that, I just kept thinking I should say something because im just laying here in my own wee. They are going to see it when I get up so I better prepare them for it. I laid there for the rest of it trying to figure out what to say, to make sure I added that the only time ive ever wet myself was when I was pregnant with the twins and even then it was only a dribble, it was nothing close to what just happened.

The lady walked in and took off my head phones, I didn’t get up. She asked if everything went well and I said, with my head lowered “I think I wet myself”. She had a bit of a giggle and I thought, how rude. How could someone start laughing when you tell them something like that, she knew I was embarrassed. She said you didn’t wet yourself and I replied with Um yes I think I did. Im sorry. She giggled again. She said she gets that everytime the dye goes in. She said you would be surprised with how many woman think they have wet themselves but its just the sensation of the dye. I was relived and still checked when I got up. But then I thought to myself, if a lot of woman say the same thing, why the hell wouldn’t you prepare them for it before they went in. Its not hard to say when the dye goes in, you may have a sensation and it may feel like you have wet yourself, don’t panic though because you haven’t or something to warn us. So as I walked out I said, I wish you had told me that and laughed as if I was being friendly and not trying to tell her how to do her job. I sat out with mum and waited. The lady at the desk asked what I was doing. I said I had just had my MRI and she said that I could go home now. I thought what about the results, do I get to speak to anyone? Is someone going to tell me what is going on? She then said, you will have an appointment sent out when the doctor has looked at the scan. So another waiting game I thought to myself.

12 days after my first MRI was my wedding day. 25^th feb 2012. What a day that was! A magical day, so beautiful and intimate. I only had 50 guests which made it that much more special. The whole day I didn’t think once about breast cancer, once about all the tests or being in the high risk category. I just enjoyed one of the best days of my life with the people that I absolutely love with my all. I married my best friend, my soul mate, the one who vowed to stand by me through everything, and everything meaning whatever I was just about to go through. It was one of the only days since, that I haven’t had breast cancer, surgery or high risk on my mind and for that im forever grateful.

So just as the lady said a few weeks later I got my appointment to see my doctor at the breast clinic. The day came and I prepared myself for the worst. I didn’t let mum know that I was worried. The whole way there I was talking about anything and everything I could that didn’t include breasts or what was going on. It was a pretty quick appointment. I was only waiting for about 30 mins when my name was called. Mum went to jump up and I said Ill go. You can stay here if you want, and walked off before she had a chance to make a choice. I thought if I was getting bad news I wouldn’t want her to get the full blow of it. I sat down and looked at my doctor. She was calm and looked happy. She said Hello Emma, in a great happy tone. She said that the MRI didn’t show anything too serious, although these lumps could be precancerous and could develop into cancer but right now there is no concern. She said that because of my long family history of cancer, mainly breast cancer I was in the high risk category and now more so because of those lumpes. She said We will continue to do MRI’s scans instead of ultrasounds because of the density of your breasts and keep an eye on the lumps for any changes. If you feel any changes or anything different, call the breast centre and make an appointment. And that was it, she was done. I was in shock a little bit. I think its because I prepared for really bad news that when she didn’t give me the news I expected I was shocked. I just sat there for a second, trying to remember everything she had just said so I can tell mum and Darrell. She said That’s all for today, do you have any questions? Um not that I can think of I said and walked out. Mum looked up as I walked out and I realized my face expression was terrible, she stood up and I smiled. I walked past and said that’s it we can go home.

On the way home I was trying to explain that they aren’t concerned about the lumps but then again they are a little bit. It was harder to explain then I thought and as I said those words, it just didn’t make sense to me. Are they concerned or not, I thought to myself. I told mum I'm classed as high risk because of the lumps and the family history and ill have to have MRI’s all the time to keep and eye on everything.