"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ From Childhood

Hi, I'm Emma, I am 24, my dob 2.9.89. I am a mother of 3, my boy Bailey 9.4.2007 & my boy/girl twins Logan & Lilah 21.6.2011. I am a wife to my amazing husband Darrell & a daughter to my beautiful Mum Donna & Dad Sam (stephen) & I have a sister Caira.
This is my previvor journey about being high risk of getting breast cancer, from childhood. My preventive surgery will be April and this story will continue through the raw emotions of enduring this surgery. Watch this space...

From Childhood
As a child I remember sitting at the round shaped dinner table with mum, listening to her tell stories about her mum. She would tell us how beautiful she was, how brave she was and her journey and battle with breast cancer.

I always thought to myself that I wish I had gotten to meet her as she sounds just as caring and as beautiful as my mum. The way she would put everyone before herself just as my mum does. My mind would then wander and I would think about what breast cancer looked like, maybe it looked like a little fuzzy monster with an evil face, maybe it was a colour or maybe just black. (I did Google it when I was older and found out that a cancer cell looks pretty much like a ball of fairy floss/cotton candy, which is very deceiving).

Then my mind would refocus and I would hear mum starting to get that croaky sound in her voice before she was about to cry. It always broke my heart to hear about the traumatic experience my mum went through while looking after her mother. She loved her mum, looked up to her and she still missed her every day.

As I grew up the fear of cancer was always in the back of my mind. Unfortunately there was never a time that I thought it had disappeared or wouldn't be back and I always thought who would be next? It was somewhat traumatic for me as a child to always think about cancer if someone in the family was sick, even if it was just a simple cold, Cancer would be the first thing that came to mind. My mum's side of the family has a long history of cancer. Breast, ovarian, stomach, brain & throat are the main ones that we know of and on my Dad's side there are a few different cancers also. For as long as I can remember, breast cancer or cancer in general has always been apart of my life.

When we attempt to go through the family tree, it is hard to find out who died of cancer and what type of cancer, because Mum's side of the family are in Ireland and Mum doesn't have anyway of communicating with them. She does know of a few that have had or passed from cancer though, which helps a little bit but not to full extent. Then when it comes to Dad's side of the family, we also struggle with that because of certain family circumstances that make it not only confusing, but uncertain. So from the family members we do know of, it already puts me in the high risk category. Not only my family genetics are high risk but my age is also because the members we know of getting breast cancer all before 48.

Mum must have told the same story about her mum a million times but each time it was like the first time, engaging, sad, unbelievable and scary. How she was well one minute and gone the next, how she sent mum to a dive camp so mum wouldn’t see her die and would only remember her happy & alive. My mum became the "mum" of the house, cooking & cleaning at age 14 after her mum sadly lost her battle with breast cancer. She would explain how much she struggled to be the woman of the house and take care of her father and 2 brothers. Her mum was only 44 and it was 1977, so the medical equipment, knowledge and treatment were undeveloped. In the mid-1970s, clinical evaluation of the drug tamoxifen, a selective estrogen receptor modulator (SERM), as a hormonal treatment for breast cancer was just beginning but the treatment process was brutal & patients would be in quarantine & isolated. It’s sad that back then women didn't have the hope, support, knowledge and advanced medical treatment and equipment we do these days but thank them for helping our research develop.

When it finally hit

I always had that sick feeling of worry in my belly that one day that would be my mum, here one minute and gone the next. The thought of losing my mum terrifies me and every time she was sick with a cold or something else miniscule, I was always holding my breath and waiting to be told she would die. I have had that same fear all my life. Fortunately I lived majority of my life without any family members or friends passing away until my Mum's best friend and our neighbour, Cheryl was diagnosed. She was given months to live and amazingly lived for 12 years. But during that twelve years we were all scared and I found myself thinking about how this could easily be my mum. I remember how positive she was about it all and after she had her breast removed she used to let us play with her “jelly boob”, which was a prosthetic breast that sat inside her bra. She was such a good person, a loving mother and “aunty Cheryl” to everyone. Sadly she passed from breast cancer and a little while after she died, Mum had a strong feeling, or instinct to get her mammogram early. It was a feeling like she was being pushed to do it and to do it soon. So she trusted her gut and went and had it done a few months earlier then usual.

The day mum went to the hospital was the 23rd March 2010, she was going to  find out her results. Before she left home she seemed so calm, that calm that she decided to go alone. She had always said its not "If" she gets breast cancer its "When" but she didn't have any concern or feeling that she would be receiving the bad news that day, that she had been waiting for since she was a teenager. As I waited at home for her return, my phone started ringing, my heart stopped and a hot scary feeling came over me and as I picked up the phone I knew right at that moment it was going to be bad news.

I answered the phone and I knew it straight away by her breathing then the I heard that she was crying, she said "Em Ive got breast cancer" and burst out into tears. I fell to the floor, my heart ached and the tears flowed. I felt emptiness, shock, but sadly it wasn't a surprise.  We didn't speak, we just cried, I couldn't move I was so angry, so sad, so heartbroken.

I kept thinking, why her? She doesn't deserve this. I thought to myself, if something like this can happen to the strongest, most caring and beautiful person I know then it can happen to me and from that day on,

I've had the same thought its not "If" i get cancer, its "When".

I was by her side everyday throughout her whole journey. I watched her suffer, cry, want to give up, be sick, not eat and lay in bed almost everyday. I watched her emotional roller coaster right in front of my eyes. I watched her cry in shock when she first noticed her hair was starting to fall out, she had just got out of the shower and was standing at her mirror, she slowly picked up her brush, put it at the top of her head, i could see she knew it was happening and then she slowly brushed down. The fear in her eyes was raw & scary and then her hair hit the floor. We both started to cry. I was there to shave her head when it was time to take that step. We tried to keep it as upbeat as we could as we sat outside getting ready to do something that completely breaks some woman during treatment. I was trying to be strong and trying to make her feel ok about it all. I watched the fear come over her when the hair hit the floor. She didnt want it to be real, she didnt even want to see herself. To see my mum like that is something that will be with me forever. My husband nicknamed her peaches because of the "peach fuzz" on her head. She liked that and it made her happy. Everyone that got to see her bald said she really suited it and we all really think she did. Sometimes I tell her to shave her head again.

I was the most positive person I could be, even when it was so hard to be. I hated the fact that she was suffering and there was nothing i could do about it. It broke my heart.

Everyday was a struggle for both mum and I, I hate to compare myself to her as she was the one going through it all but it was hard to be the closet person to her and try to be strong. Each day the fear grew. I thought today could be the day i lose her. Today she may not get out of bed. That feeling is indescribable. You want to think positive, but when you know what this disease can do, you cant help to think the worst. Some nights i wouldnt sleep, i would lay there and sob. I would get up to just check that she was ok and first thing in the morning i would be by her side. Making sure she had all she needed and trying to help as much as i could. Trying to explain to my 3 year old that his nanna is very sick because of cancer was heartbreaking. I didnt want to hide it from him but then again i didnt want him to live with the same fear i live with. He didnt understand it all, he just knew nanna wasnt playing with him and wanted to know why. Sometimes he would cry and say she has been sick for ages, give her panadol so she can play. I took mum to her treatment appointments for chemo & radiation and that's when i started my research. All i keep thinking was how can i stop this happening to me, how can i help mum and how can I make sure my son never see's me like this.

I wrote this for Mum

I was by your side everyday throughout your journey! I witnessed you fight the biggest fight of your life!

I watched you suffer, cry, want to give up, be sick, not eat and lay helplessly in bed.
I watched your emotional roller coaster right in front of my eyes. 
I watched you cry in shock when you first noticed your hair was starting to fall out 
I was there to shave your head when it was time to take that step and
I watched the fear come over you when the hair hit the floor.

I was the most positive person i could be, even when it was so hard to be. I hated the fact that you were suffering and there was nothing i could do about it. It broke my heart.

But 3 years on you stand tall and cancer free and I could never be more happy & proud
You showed me to never give up even when you couldn't get up
You are so strong and still put everyone else first before yourself
You are my glue, my best friend and the most beautiful & inspiring person I know.