"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ One Step Forward

One step forward
4 months later, another letter in the mail. An appointment to see my breast surgeon. 15^th april 2013, wow this was moving fast. I was so excited but obviously very nervous. This time my husband was able to come with, which we were both very happy about. He hasn’t been able to get time off work for any of my other appointments, so having him with me for the first one with a surgeon was exciting! We also had to bring the twins this time, Bailey was at school but Mum had an appointment of her own and couldn’t watch the twins for us. I knew it would be hard to concentrate with them there but this was the only option we had. We were in the waiting room for a few hours, the twins got restless and we let them out of the pram and then they got bored with the small box of toys and started to try and wander off and annoy other people. They were getting tired and I was getting more frustrated and worried about them in the appointment. Not long after they started being annoying my name was called, not sure if it was because of the twins or it was actually my turn. It was, as expected hard to stop them touching things and hard to keep them quiet so most of that appointment didn’t sink in. I know it was only a brief appointment informing me that she would be doing the mastectomy and was just touching base. I was thankful it wasn’t an overly important appointment where I had to remember every single word or do something after. My memory is like a gold fish so I was relieved.

At first I thought she was the main surgeon, I thought she would give me a date or in some way I would be moving forward. Although she did say that she would push my file through and try to get my appointment with the plastic surgeon as soon as she could. I thought I would be waiting at least another 4 months as it has usually been the average wait in between appointments but a appointment letter came the very next week. My appointment with my plastic surgeon was the 7^th May.

That whole month flew by, my appointment with my plastic surgeon is only 5 days away. Part of me is so excited to be getting in so quickly and then the other part of me knows the breast surgeon pushed it through because of my high risk and now its starting to sink in and it’s a little bit scary. Not the fact that ill be having the surgery but the fact that its either this surgery or breast cancer. I’ve obviously known that all along but its really hitting me now, and although surgery is scary and being high risk is scary, it doesn’t make me hesitant, it makes me more ready and more sure.

I feel like I should be more scared or worried then I am excited but i cant help wanting to know the what & the when. Im hoping I get my surgery date but trying not to get my hopes up because I have heard it doesn’t happen that quick as a public patient. Im trying to find reasons to talk about it all, i feel like im a little kid and its nearly Christmas. Its seems to be all I speak about and I think im starting to bore my husband. I would really like him to act that little bit more interested. It would be nice to have him ask questions, do some research or at least tell me how he feels about it all. Im not angry with him because he isn’t doing any of that, I know he isn’t very sensitive and doesn’t really open up and talk much about things. I think I just want him to so I can talk about it.  I have a bit going on at the moment with my ex and Bailey but all this surgery stuff helps me forget about all of that. 

Hubby and I were having a bit of a chat about it last night. During that small conversation i realised that I wouldnt be sleeping with him or in my own bed, in my own house for how ever long and i got upset. I feel silly but my separation anxiety has its own mind. I hate the thought of being away from hubby and the kids and being alone in the hospital.

Its the only thing out of everything that is actually bothering me. I was a mess when I had the twins and I had to stay in hospital for 4 days due to my c-section and I really don’t want to be in the hospital upset, feeling sorry for myself the whole time. I want to feel proud of myself and relieved that the surgery is all done. That sounds stupid because i should be concerned about the surgery or losing my breasts or the painful recovery but nope none of that (for the moment anyway) Its all about not being next to hubby while i sleep and being lonely in a hospital room. I know hubby will be fine on his own with the kids doing my job, actually im sure he would do a better job then me but I worry too much and cant help it. Im not worried about hubby not having me home to help, or the kids not having me home because i know they will all be fine, its me im worried about. Ill cry at night by myself, im hoping they can give me something to help me sleep so im not up thinking about it all night. 5 Days and ill know what is going on, and i cant wait!

7th May.

We had a bad night last night, the twins were up a few times and I couldn’t sleep because my mind wouldn’t stop. It was a big rush around to get the kids sorted, Mum slept over so she was here when we left at 8am. We had to get everything sorted for the day for both the twins and Bailey going to school. We leave as soon as we can but we know that we are really pushing time. The whole drive up to the hospital we got every red light & slowed down by road works, We ended up being 20 mins late to my appointment and waited another 2 hours to be called in. After the 2 hours my named was called, we were taken into a room with a bed, small table and 2 chairs, more like a clinic room. We sat in the room and the nurse started to ask a few questions and I quickly caught on that she thought I had breast cancer after she asked if I have had the biopsy done yet. I soon corrected her and she was quick to tell me the other nurse that brought me in stopped her to sadly tell her Im only 24 and have breast cancer. Just for that split second I was terrified, i felt sick to my stomach. It was a fear i never felt and I quickly reassured myself it wasnt true but the scariest part was one day that could be true.

As hubby and I sat there for another hour I read through all my notes that I had obtained during my 2 years of research. I had printed certain things that I wanted to talk about with the plastic surgeon including what I thought I wanted. Darrell and I played hang man and O's & X's to pass the time, it was surprisingly fun and for that time I was relaxed. The nurse soon returned and asked more questions to get the story straight, measured & weighed me and again left us to sit there to wait for the surgeon to come. When he walked in, he was different to what I imagined but was quite friendly. He went through everything with me, looked at my breasts and then continued to talk me through everything. He is very soft spoken and it was hard at times to hear what he was saying, I also didn’t feel comfortable that he didn’t sit down. He spoke to me about most of the things I already know and confirmed some things I wasn’t sure of. I was really hoping he would have a certain recon type in mind for me and was able to recommend it but that wasnt the case he said I was able to pick anyone that i wanted and didn’t want his opinion to influence my decision. (I hate making decisions lol) He did say implant only may look out of place with my body shape, lat dorsi my back would be very sore and diep I may not get to my desired size. I was kind of disappointed, as it didnt feel like a step forward for me. I was told to see him again in 5-6 months and decide which reconstruction I wanted and then a date would be booked then. He seemed to pick up on my indecisiveness but took it as I wasn’t ready or wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into. I was worried my indecisiveness would come across that way as it seems to do that often.

So now to play the waiting game again! On our way home, I tried to wrap my head around what just happened, why it didn’t make sense to me. I asked Darrell what he thought of it and he thought it was fine, thought he explained things well. I agree he explained things well but maybe because I have done so much research that everything he told me, I pretty much knew already so nothing new happened. For the past week I have been racking my brain trying to decide on my reconstruction type. I was told that I was a candidate for any of the 3 main reconstruction types, Implant only, Lat Dorsi or Diep/Tram.

- Implant reconstruction uses silicone or saline implants which are inserted under the chest muscle onto the chest wall.

The main advantages of implants are:

·        the operation is relatively simple

·        time in hospital and recovery time is usually short

·        surgery and scarring is only in the breast area

The main disadvantages of implants are:

·        the breast may not feel as natural as with other types of reconstruction

·        it can be harder to match the shape of the existing breast

·        if you lose or gain weight, the implant may no longer match your other breast     as it will not change size

·        scar tissue can form around the implant

-Lat Dorsi reconstruction is your own tissue flap & it uses your latissimus dorsi muscle which is located in your back. The lat dorsi muscle is moved around from your back to your front in place of your breast. Its common that the flap isn’t large enough to cover the replace the full breast and an implant is used to make up for it.

-Diep/Tram reconstruction is your own tissue flap. Diep flap uses your stomach fat & tissue to create a new breast. Tram Flap uses your stomach muscle, fat & tissue to create a new breast.

The main advantages of tissue flap reconstruction are:

·        it produces a more natural looking breast

·        the breast will gain and lose weight as your body gains and loses weight

The main disadvantages of tissue flap reconstruction are:

·        the length of surgery and recovery time is longer than with implant surgery

·        you will have a scar on your back or stomach

·        you may lose strength in your stomach muscles if your reconstruction uses abdominal tissue

·        there is a small risk that the flap may die due to lack of blood supply and may need to be removed, requiring another operation

There are pros and cons with each reconstruction type and being so indecisive doesn’t help. Im not sure what is best for me. People keep saying I will choose what is best for me but when I decide whats best, its based on my kids and my husband. My choices are based on whats best for them. Ive never had to base a choice on whats best for me. How do you know whats best for you in a situation like this? All I want is breasts that wont kill me. I know I have to live with what I look like for the rest of my life, but I know its not going to be beautiful to look at and ive accepted that.

So far I have ruled out implants only. I have heard too many complications with implants on their own after a mastectomy and plus I think my body frame and shape would look strange with implants and if I gain or lose weight they don’t change. The lat dorsi seems a good choice, most of the woman in the Pink Hope community have gone with that reconstruction and the results are great. With the Lat dorsi a implant is combined with most cases. Its better for the implant to have the muscle combine as it protects the implant and it gives more shape. The only thing I worry with this reconstruction is the pain and scars in my back. I know ill be recovering and in pain on my chest but to have both my front and back in pain is something I would hate, especially with trying to fall asleep.

The diep one has always been at the top of my list. I like the fact it is my own tissue and also I get rid of my stomach fat but its not guaranteed that I can be my desired size as my plastic surgeon said at our last appointment.

I know I still have 4-5 months to decide but I just feel that if I know what I want then im making a step forward in my journey. Each time I take a step forward in my journey I feel empowered, stronger and more confident.

I cant wait to beat this and come out a proud Previvor!

Nearly the end of May and I've been working my butt off to get my weight down. Every night hubby and I go into the garage and do a workout! Feels good after and in a week I lost 1.4kg so its slow but getting there! I wish it was a little easier then this, I hate exercise but hubby is really helping and motivating me. Its hard to feel motivated in the cold though. Id rather sit and stay nice and warm instead. I have a few things to keep my mind occupied while I wait for my appointment to come around, the twins 2^nd birthday, my holiday with mum to Phuket and the BPLD party for Pink Hope in September which is exciting. It does feel good to have other things on my mind instead of just surgery.