"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ Heartbroken Struggle

Heartbroken Struggle

Things have been very hard for me at the moment. My dad was rushed to hospital on the 17th of December and when I went to see him, my heart broke as he looked horrible. Even though we have been expecting his death for such a long time now, to see him dying breaks my heart!

I drove all the way to the hospital everyday, twice a day to keep him company and to make sure he knows im here for him. He was then discharged on the 21st Dec, the hospital said there was nothing more they can do for him as he has stage 4 liver cancer & cirrhosis of the liver. They have sent him home to die. My Mum was beautiful enough to take him back to her place. I was very happy when she said she would. I think it would make him happy, to die in the place he was most happiest in his life. When she spoke to him about it in the hospital he was so grateful. Before he left Mum spoke to him about his wishes for his funeral, what he wanted, what he wanted us to have etc and it broke my heart to hear him cry, hear him say sorry to mum, tell her he loves her and wishes they were still together and worse of all, cry for his own mum.

His mum passed away the 22^nd Jan 2011 from cancer and 5 months later we also lost my mum's dad to cancer jun 2011.

I have been very emotional for the past 2 weeks, with everything that is going on. Christmas was bitter sweet for us all. I now have to keep my head up, cherish every moment with Dad and prepare for surgery. It should be in the next 2-3 months. I have began research again but I really think my 2 yrs of research covered most of what I need to know. Im as ready as I can be and really just cannot wait to have this cancer fear behind me. Im hoping I have enough time to host a Bye Bye Boobies party before my surgery. I would love to just let my hair down and feel the support and love from everyone before I apply my war paint (lipstick) and save my life.

4 weeks from his discharge date, Dad passed away.

Tues 21^st dec was the last time I spoke to him, at first he didn’t know who I was, which broke my heart. Then mum said its Emma and he looked at me. He said “Yeah I know who it is” and kept repeating himself. It was like he was a robot that was almost broken. He kept repeating over and over, Yeah I know who it is and then he would giggle. I just keep saying yeah Dad its me, its Emma. It started to scare me so I said that I was going to get a drink and asked him if he wanted anything, he again repeated yeah I know who it is and then I said I love you Dad and he looked at me, you could see him struggling but he finally said I love you too. It was magic and so bittersweet. I walked out into the kitchen where mum was and broken down. After a few hours he hadn’t changed and was still staring into space and hadn’t moved. Mum told my sister and I to go home, it was late and nothing had changed. Mum said she would call us as soon as anything changed. I left knowing that he knew it was his time to go, I knew it was his time to go and now it was a waiting game. The next day Mum called, it was 7am and straight away I thought he would already be gone but mum said he was worse, he couldn’t talk at all anymore and his doctor had just came and said he only had a few hours. I got dressed and drove over. Everyone was there, my sister, dad’s brothers, sister, friends all saying goodbye. I went into his room and sat on the bed beside him. I was scared but I held his hand and just looked at him and cried. I said to him that I forgive him for all the bad choices he made and that I loved him. I said its ok to let go and if nanna was waiting for him to go with her. Im not sure if he could hear me but I believe he could. A few hours later he passed away, it was 1030am. I was out the back but my sister & aunt were with him when he took his last breath. It is the same day as Nanna, (Dad’s mum) passed away in 2011. We all knew today would be the day, she would come and take him to heaven. It was bittersweet. I was glad he was gone because he no longer had pain and was with his mum. Dad was only 53. I sat in my mums room for about an hr crying while my dad lay dead in the room next to me, which was my room since 1993 until I moved out in 2011. I just sat there and felt awful, I couldn’t understand why I felt so empty. I had this constant pulling feeling to go in and see him but I was too scared. I remember seeing my cousin in her coffin at her viewing in 2005, she died 3 weeks after her 20^th bday from unknown causes. When I saw her laying there, it shocked me. She didn’t look like her and it really freaked me out, so when nanna died I didn’t want to see her. But I had this feeling that I needed to see him and it was very scary. My uncle came into my mums room where I sat and sobbed. He asked what I was doing even though it was obvious. He told me I shouldn’t be alone and to come with him. I was scared to walk past my room and didn’t want to leave mums room. He took me by the hand and said cmon come be with the family. Part of me wanting to be with the family and support my mum and everyone else but the other part of me just wanted to be alone. I think the family thought I might go crazy or something. As I walked out of my mums room and took a few steps I was nearly at the door to my room, the room where my dad lay dead. I was so scared to look but I froze right infront of the door and just stared at him. Mum had already been in to close his eyes, his mouth and put his hands on his chest. She had tucked him in and he really did just look so peaceful and sleeping. I took a few steps toward the bed and by the 4^th step I felt this amazingly warm feeling, like a hug. It was a beautiful feeling but it scared me. I don’t believe in all that stuff, I think its because im scared and I think if I don’t believe then I have nothing to worry about. I stood there warm and like I was being hugged, my dad lay peacefully. He looked happy and I got the sense that he was so happy now. I am so glad that I went into the room, I think that was him reassuring me that he is ok and that it is ok to see him. It gave me closure and I thank him for it.

The funeral home people came to take him away. We all gathered out side to send him off. As they came out I realized he was all covered up. For some stupid reason I thought that he would come out on a hospital bed just as he is on the bed and we would be able to see him. I knew he didn’t need to go to the mortuary so I knew he wouldn’t be in a black zip bag but I didn’t even think of anything else like a blanket would be covering him. As he was wheeled out, I felt my stomach drop, it was unexpected and I was in shock. Mum called me over and my sister, my mum and I walked behind him out to the car. They lift the legs of the trolley bed and put him in the car. The funeral person was so respectful to him and even gave him a pat on the side of the bed trolley as he finished putting him in. We all said our goodbyes and they closed the door. It was the worst thing to see, your dad’s body being put in a car and the doors closing and knowing that was it. He is gone. I walked back inside, went to head for mums room for comfort and froze and dropped right at my bedroom door and cried. I felt paralysed and couldn’t move. I took one more look at the empty bed where my dad died and was then picked up by mum and my uncle and taken into my mums room to calm down.

The funeral is just over a week away on 31^st dec. I want to say something at the service. I would like to write something small but meaningful. I think I may regret it if I don’t say anything. I am so heartbroken and feel lost & empty. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t feel this bad as my dad wasn’t in my life everyday. We saw him on special occasions, I visited him a few times at his flat and he came to my house about 5 or 6 times over the last 2 years but I feel like he has been in my life everyday and that Ive lost a huge part of me. I have so many thoughts of regret. I wish I saw him more, I wish he made more of a effort to see us. I wish he understood my life better and that we could have normal conversations. There is so much I regret but the past 4 weeks are the days ill never forget. I would go to the gym and then go visit him, everyday except Wednesday and the weekends except 2 weekends when I went over. I bought him a tv for his room so he could watch if he wasn’t up to getting out of bed but it all doesn’t feel enough. The service was beautiful, sad but full of memories. I contained myself quite well. I think I may have cried all of my tears over the past week and didn’t cry that much as the service. I kind of felt like people would think why is emma so upset when her dad wasn’t in her life as much as a normal dad? So I didn’t want to lose it. I also didn’t want to cry to much infront of Bailey. I didn’t want him to be too upset just because I was, so the night before I cried hard and then told myself not to cry on the day. The viewing was hard, he didn’t look as peaceful and like himself as much as he did the day he died. I should of expected that but I was hoping he still looked like he did the day he died.

Now after the funeral I’m fighting with my sister about ashes, feeling left out with what is going on and decisions being made, feeling disconnected from my sister when I thought at a time like this it would bring us together. We don’t talk much because she seems to always do things to hurt my feelings and doesn’t see the wrong in it, so after I had enough I put distance between us. It was hard but I needed to get the negative out of my life. I really feel for mum and thankful for what she has done for dad. I think she has done so much for him. The past 4 weeks she has been amazing. She took him back to her home, the home we were a family in and where he was happiest in his life. He was so happy to be back there and was so grateful. Mum will never understand how thankful I am for what she has done. Yes she hasn’t been in his life for the past 16 yrs since their divorce but the past 4 weeks is bigger and better then anything anyone could have done in the past 16 yrs. Mum chose to love dad and marry dad and its such a different love from loving someone because they are family. They have always loved each other even though they weren’t together and they shared so many special things. Right now I feel kind of robotic, not much emotion, trying to get on with life. I feel bad and guilty because life goes on and there isn’t a moment that stops for you to grieve. You just have to keep going on with life even though you are heartbroken. It’s a strange feeling and a sad one. I feel bad when a few hours go by and I haven’t thought about him. I hope he knows I still love him and im thinking of him even if I forget for a few hours. He will always be in my heart and even though I have so many regrets I hope he is at peace and knows im sorry and I love him.

Life goes on

Bailey is about to start yr 2. Im trying to be normal and move on. Trying to be excited but its so hard to have any emotion. He is so excited and it makes me so happy to see him excited for school. He loves school and I would like to keep it that way. I love back to school stuff. I enjoy labeling all the school items with Bailey. His face lights up putting all his things in his pencil case and getting his bag ready. I hope he doesn’t notice that im trying very hard to be excited, its sad that I have no emotion and cannot feel the way I should be feeling.

Today is Bailey’s first day, we got their a bit early to find the class and Bailey’s desk. On the walk to school I kept thinking to myself, I hope noone says anything about Dad. I hope people are too distracted to remember. We get to the class and Bailey is so excited, he has the same teacher from last year which made him very happy and he also has around 9 kids from his class last year in his class this year. We find his desk and start getting his things out. His friends come in and everyone is just bouncing with excitement. Im standing there watching Bailey full of joy and one of the mums come up to me and hug me, she says im so sorry about your Dad and then lets go. She says sorry that probably didn’t help. I said thank you and even though I didn’t want anyone to say anything I felt grateful. I did tear up a little bit but I was happy someone cares enough to give me a hug. Unfortunately its time to keep living, get back into routine at home and grieve on the inside. Some times I wish you could just stop time, lay in bed and cry your eyes out and then when your ready start time and keep living.

All through all of this I haven’t thought much about my surgery and when I have I feel like I just cant be bothered with it at the moment. I not only have no emotion, I have no energy. Even though in the past week ive done near nothing I feel like ive ran marathons. Its strange that it takes so much energy to be sad and even more energy to stop your self from crying. Im buggered and just cant be bothered. I trying so hard to hide my emotions from my family. I don’t like making my husband feel like he cant make me feel happy and I don’t like my kids worrying that im crying so I just stop myself from crying to save them. At night its harder to hold in my tears so I sob quietly when I know my husband is asleep. Ive tried to get excited about surgery again or even interested. Ive started writing a list of what I need to take to hospital and what else I need to buy. Im trying to get back into it and get rid of this “cant be bothered” feeling. If my surgery turns out to be the 27^th feb I want to have everything ready. I don’t want the date to come and because my mind has been all over the place, im forgetting things or not prepared so im really trying to get back into it.

Next step
I received my pre operation/admission appointment letter in the mail. That make its more real. I was told the reason im having it so early is just incase I get a early date from cancellation or something. So im excited to find out more about the surgery, ask questions about what I should and shouldn’t do, eat, take or drink before surgery, find out what pain medicine im going to have and whatever else you find out at this appointment.

It’s the day of my Pre op appointment 4^th February. On the drive up there im not even excited, im not thinking about surgery but Im also not thinking about dad. I get to the hospital and realize my mind was blank the whole time up here when normally im a little nervous before any appointment. First I go the wrong way in the hospital which made me 5 mins late. I walk into the reception room and noone is at the desk so I stand there for what feels like 15 mins. Finally the receptionist comes to the desk, he is very bubbly, a bit older but seems very cheerful. He asks for my name and gives me a form to read and give to the anesthetist when I see them. I sit in the waiting room, with a few others. There is a big sign saying YOU MAY NOT BEEN SEEN IN ORDER OF ARRIVAL. I thought to myself that’s just a nice way of saying your going to be waiting a long time. I over hear a women talking about how she has had a preventive surgery and is now getting ready for her exchange surgery from her expanders to implants. I wanted to say something and ask questions but I didn’t want to look like I was listening to her conversation. Finally my name was called, I needed to use the toilet but didn’t have time to go and I was worried if my bladder was full my weight would be more and I wanted to do whatever I could to make myself weigh less because over the past week ive been emotional eating and haven’t been to the gym so I am was worried about my weight. I stepped on the scales and surprisingly am down a kg since the last time I weighed myself and I was happy with that.

First I saw registered nurse, couldn’t find consent form, he was quite funny, asked me allergies, previous medical history, took pulse, measured for stockings, saw doctor, asked me why im doing this, a little about my family history, his phone rang twice, I didn’t mind but lost track, asked me about risks, mind went blank, its still blank and lost since dad, don’t have much emotion about surgery anymore. Hoping to get the excitement back. Seen anethitist told me about what to expect, complications, asked history of blood clots, medical problems, family medical problems then saw physio, said she would come see me, help with movement, keep an eye on me, there for me if I need anything. Aim to get back to pre op movement.

2 steps back

5^th feb, the next day after pre op around 10am I get a phone call, told my standby date the 27^th feb is no longer available and I will be waiting until april for my surgery now. Im feeling very angry and couldn’t speak. I didn’t mind having my date taken by priority patients as I would never take a date from someone with cancer but for the whole of March to be gone aswell, in less then 24hrs! I am more angry that I was told if my surgery was not on the 27^th because of a priority patient, that it would be within the following 2 weeks. (So in the first 2 weeks of March). Its been a long 2 year wait and now it feels as if ive taken steps backwards. I feel selfish for being angry because its priority that needs the dates but taking that out of the way im so frustrated. I really just want it over and done with. So I hang up the phone feeling really angry and disappointed and start to cry. Im not sure if im crying because im angry or crying because im so emotional at the moment or both but I feel like ive been kicked in the guts. I just want to scream. I think the bookings lady has something against me and that she is out to get me, then shake it off because that’s stupid to even think that.

I call the bookings lady back after about a 20 minute cool down

I want to go off at her but im nice. I ask if I have to still have my CT scan in 2 days even though you just cancelled my surgery date. I laugh in my head that even though I was trying so hard I still managed to blame her. She told me to still go ahead with it as I wouldn’t have to do it again and then im all set for whenever my surgery is going to be. Yeah in another year, I thought to myself. Then she kindly said that if there is a cancellation or a free date ill be put straight in because ive had both the pre op and ct scan and im all ready.

Finally some half decent good news, even though its highly doubtful that someone will cancel.

Im trying so hard to be positive over the next few days. Trying to look at what is good about my date being pushed. I can be more prepared and I can finish my blog and I can maybe host a bye bye boobies party. All these things that im trying to make sound exciting but just not feeling it. Everyone that I tell about my surgery being pushed is trying to do the same thing. They are all positive with their words and advice. Saying now I have heaps more time to prepare, more time to grieve the loss of my dad and the one that is always said “ It’s just not meant to happen just yet”. Everyone’s favourite saying! I know they are trying to help and be positive. Most don’t know what to say. Part of me really appreciates it, the other part wants them to be just as angry.
I try to look at things the same way. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes you never know the reason but it will all work out how its suppose to. I was hoping to go into surgery as this numb robot, with no emotion so then I might have worried less and just wouldn’t be bothered with emotion and feeling. I know that doesn’t sound right but it might of made it easier in some way. For some reason, grieving for my dad has turned me numb and I convinced myself the emotional part of surgery would have been easier if I was like this. So back to getting on with life, waiting and trying to be positive.

So im on my way to my Ct scan was (7^th Feb). I get there just on time and I know exactly where to go so it doesn’t take me long to get there. I check in and then im sent up stairs. I get there and sit down, it’s a very firmlar place but looks a little different. Then I realize this is where I sat and waited to see Stephanie the psych. A few things have changed and now there is a place for ct scans and some interventional something. I sit and wait, get my phone out and then im called in. The nurse is a male, he has a scotish accent and is quite funny from the start. He takes me into a room with beds on one side and chairs on the other, those big cushion chairs. He asks a few random questions about medical problems and a few things I don’t understand behind his accent. He asks me if im wearing a bra and I give him this horrible, are you stupid look and quickly realize and stop. I say yes im wearing a bra and he says I can either take it off right here or go into the change room. I thought for a second and said Im having my stomach scanned not my breasts and he quickly lets me know that the metal in my bra can affect the scan so I just skillfully take it off right there under my clothes and stuff it in my bag. He then sits me down and tells me to hang my arms down to let the blood rush. As im sitting there he is joking around with the other nurse who is attending to another patient next to me. I laugh along and am feeling quite relaxed. I ask the nurse if a Ct scan is similar to a MRI and a few questions about it. He tells me I have to have a intravenous injection of iodine, which is the dye they put through you so they can see better imaging. I have it with my annual MRI so I know exactly what it is and hate the way it makes you feel like you have wet yourself! I roll my eyes and say great! He picks up on the sarcasim and I explain I have it each time I have a MRI, he then says it’s a bit different and shouldn’t be as bad, plus the CT only lasts a few minutes. He puts the needle into my arm and attaches the intravenous right above the bruise from the blood test at my pre op so it hurts just a little. He starts taking about jewellery and I explain that I took it all off before I got there, except I have 2 I cant take out. I then ask exactly where ill be scanned so I know if I have to tell him about my piercings. He uses his hands to show me under his chest to about his knees. I blurt out, I have a piercing I cant take out, he asks “your belly button”? I say no, lower. He looks at me with this joyful shock and then takes me into the room. He then asks the doctor who performs the scan if piercings are a problem and the doctor also asks “belly button”? he blurts like a school boy “lower”! and kinda walks out awkwardly. I turn to the doctor and he says nope that should be fine.

I lay down and he asks me to take my pants down a little. Straight away I want to crack the joke “What no dinner date first” but don’t and just giggle in my head. He then hands me a tiny little round sticker with a even smaller bit of metal on it and asks me to put it on my belly button, so I do. He then says are you ready? And walks out. Over the voice over I hear him say “the machine will tell you what to do so make sure you listen” and then it starts. I hear it turn on and in the donut shape machine I see something spinning very fast. Then I hear breathe in and hold your breath, I start moving into the donut then as I stop it tells me to breathe. That happens a few more times and then they release the dye into my arm. I feel it go in, it’s a bit warm. I feel my face get hot like im just about to sweat and then there it is, the wet yourself feeling. YUK! I then taste the metal taste and start feeling sick. Its all over. It was very quick. The doctor comes in and asks how I am and lets me get up. Tells me to go back into the room with the chairs and beds and the nurse will take the intravenous out of my arm. I walk in and spot my nurse and sit back into my seat. He is trying to speak to an older man who either cant understand him or cant hear him. He comes to me and asks how it was, I say fine and glad its that quick. He takes the intravenous out of my arm and tells me to stay for about a minute then I can go into the change room to put my bra back on. He has this shy giddish tone now and I feel a bit uncomfortable that he feels weird about knowing about my piercing. I walk out of the change room and say bye to him, he says enjoy and I leave. That better be the first and last time I have to do that! I drive home feeling sick and tasting metal. Cant wait to get home and lay down.

Continuing the wait
Well now its just a waiting game, I am slowly getting things together to prepare for surgery.