"Getting It Off My Chest" ~ Life Goes On

Life goes on

My son Bailey is about to start yr 2. I'm trying to be normal and move on. Trying to be excited but its so hard to have any emotion. He is so excited and it makes me so happy to see him excited for school. He loves school and I would like to keep it that way. I love back to school stuff. I enjoy labeling all the school items with Bailey. His face lights up putting all his things in his pencil case and getting his bag ready. I hope he doesn’t notice that im trying very hard to be excited, its sad that I have no emotion and cannot feel the way I should be feeling.

Today is Bailey’s first day, we got their a bit early to find the class and Bailey’s desk. On the walk to school I kept thinking to myself, I hope noone says anything about Dad. I hope people are too distracted to remember. We get to the class and Bailey is so excited, he has the same teacher from last year which made him very happy and he also has around 9 kids from his class last year in his class this year. We find his desk and start getting his things out. His friends come in and everyone is just bouncing with excitement. Im standing there watching Bailey full of joy and one of the mums come up to me and hug me, she says im so sorry about your Dad and then lets go. She says sorry that probably didn’t help. I said thank you and even though I didn’t want anyone to say anything I felt grateful. I did tear up a little bit but I was happy someone cares enough to give me a hug. Unfortunately its time to keep living, get back into routine at home and grieve on the inside. Some times I wish you could just stop time, lay in bed and cry your eyes out and then when your ready start time and keep living.

All through all of this I haven’t thought much about my surgery and when I have I feel like I just cant be bothered with it at the moment. I not only have no emotion, I have no energy. Even though in the past week ive done near nothing I feel like ive ran marathons. Its strange that it takes so much energy to be sad and even more energy to stop your self from crying. Im buggered and just cant be bothered. I trying so hard to hide my emotions from my family. I don’t like making my husband feel like he cant make me feel happy and I don’t like my kids worrying that im crying so I just stop myself from crying to save them. At night its harder to hold in my tears so I sob quietly when I know my husband is asleep. Ive tried to get excited about surgery again or even interested. Ive started writing a list of what I need to take to hospital and what else I need to buy. Im trying to get back into it and get rid of this “cant be bothered” feeling. If my surgery turns out to be the 27^th feb I want to have everything ready. I don’t want the date to come and because my mind has been all over the place, im forgetting things or not prepared so im really trying to get back into it.